The absolute perfection of Life is astonishing. It’s my 60th year in this lifetime, and I see how nothing is wasted. Ever. Seven years ago, my then 19-year-old daughter left for a year in France that turned into seven, and at times seemed to be shaping up to be a “forever” thing. Awfully tough on the mama, and others too, no doubt, but I can only speak for me. Miraculously, for the mama anyway, she is moving back to Canada. A decision made suddenly one morning upon awakening, shortly after returning to Paris after a visit home to Vancouver for Christmas. But seven years in France can’t be wrapped up so fast and in the 5-month wait for her return, there’s been a book written between us on WhatsAp… here’s a couple of the conversations suitable for sharing with you that point out the perfection – and the zero waste policy – of the Universal Life Force Energy I like to call God and know as the Christ Consciousness!
So grateful for this life. So grateful to share it with you.
On Drama: March 21st – Let’s LIGHTEN up!
Sadie: All I want is no drama. (Upon her return to Vancouver)
Mama: Well, Life is one big drama, right?! Crazy place. And minimizing that is brilliant. It’s the GOAL of most people seeking enLIGHTENment! So it is a beautiful thing to want no drama, and to NOT make a drama outa THAT is the SECOND goal! Hahaha! LOVE it!
On People Pleasing: March 21st – Regarding my unsolicited advice on how to “handle” future employment situations.
Sadie: If I can express myself on a certain point before getting home and being really upset about things… It feels like sometimes you want me to live for everyone except ME. You want me to live for you, or random employers, for anyone except for who YOU didn’t think I should be living for…it’s really painful and I would really appreciate if you didn’t go to the “Sadie is attacking me” place and just try to critically look at that thing you do to me, but that you also do to YOURSELF: you’ve lived for others and are just only now stepping into your power. Who do you think I learned that from? I’m not blaming or being angry, I’m saying this has really hurt me and you should maybe take a look at what you think, and just let me live for me. Finding MYSELF has been a lifelong struggle for me. Please allow me to find myself without having to fight you to let me. It has been a trend in your life and thus also mine. And it is something that I will no longer accept. So please try to take a look at that…
Mama: I hear you, Sadie. I truly do. Our wounds are deep and you’ve always been my greatest mirror, holding it up for me to see how I show up. Thank you so much. I know you love me. I do. I know I’ve got lots of healing to do. I know that – it’s never-ending, it seems. I love how we’re holding space for each other too. I am not going into blaming you either. I’m hearing you. I really am. It’s getting to a place where examining every thought, word, feeling and action is a moment to moment thing. And as soon as the vigilance is relaxed, it’s right in there! Showing up all the ways to heal what hasn’t seen the light yet. It has been said it’s our light we’re afraid of, not our darkness – we’re comfortable with that. I’m wide open to whatever is meant to be for you – just breathing into my and your and our freedom to be and to grow and to heal.
We all live for each other, Sadie. It’s how life works. All there IS here, is relationship. We can get overly enrolled in the lives of others too. And that’s not healthy, true, but it’s a fine line, as we can’t live without relationships. It’s being kind to one another in it that’s critical. Just be as kind as you can be and you won’t go wrong. And it’s not being a people-pleaser either – it’s being firm while kind. I believe “God” is pure kindness. Vast, endless kindness.
On Overwhelm: March 21 – Never mind WHAT she was overwhelmed about…
Mama: When it feels like overwhelm is taking over, I remind myself that living small has never been an option for me and if I’m gonna carry the football I’m gonna get tackled. I am not built to be mediocre or small or whatever it is some people do to have a “safe” life and that comes with its share of shit too, but I would still make many of the same choices, strangely enough. It’s something to think about when I’m searching for gratitude on those really nasty daze. I love you SO much, Sadie! You live life so fiercely! Be nice to yourself.
On Leaving France: March 22 – What’s it all ABOUT?!
Mama: You’re leaving a 7-YEAR relationship. With FRANCE. And everything and everyone that happened in those 7 years. You’re gonna have LOTS of BIG feelings!
Sadie: Definitely lots going on in my head and heart right now.
Mama: TOO much change all at once for the mind. It can’t re-categorize quickly enough to stop the panic it feels at not knowing what is HAPPENING. Big fat mystery to me what’s going to happen next. Surrender to THAT determines my level of peace of mind. Honestly, it’s when I get thinking that I get stupid. And I’m processing SO much too!
What I’m going through working out my shit with you on WhatsAp could make a book! Fascinating, watching what I DOOOOO!!!! I go through the ringer, then get my head screwed back on and then get fascinated by seeing yet ANOTHER pattern in the matrix of fear that I’ve woven into my life story and think, WOW, LOOK at THAT!!! I love you so much, Sadie. I really appreciate you. I only want to support who you are and want to be, not our old stuff. But there’ll be a transition phase that could go on for a bit, where we figure that out. With all the love in my heart, if I can’t do that for you, then WHO? Well, me, of course. But it’s all about relationship in this zoo and we only get out of our cages when we let ourselves out.
Sadie: I love you so so much too. I’m sure there will be an interesting transition period, indeed. It’s okay and you’re right, we only get out when we let ourselves out.
On Sadie’s Birthday – April 22 – Self-Loathing and Self-Love
Mama: Nice! Your flowers are opening! You are SO loved! (looking at a picture of flowers sent “from Canada” by Sadie’s new business partner)
Sadie: I realize I have been dealing with a lot of self-loathing and not believing I am loveable or loved. And it has made me feel sad a lot during my life, and in France too, with just people in general, cuz there’s always the cultural barrier here too, which reinforces the separation.
Mama: Ya, that would accelerate it. Everyone eventually hates themselves. Returning to self-love is the first step to being able to love others. It’s a subtle and horrible conditioning on this planet – to feel guilt, shame and self-loathing. Undoing that IS Awakening! We have no idea the state we’re in for most of our lives.
Sadie: Yes, totally. Everything is just seeming so weird to me these days. Even the idea of personality is just so trippy.
Mama: Ya. Wild, isn’t it? What a place! It truly is crazy here. We’ve just become accustomed to it. LOL! But we ARE getting organized! Bustin’ outa the matrix! Just feeling like I’m starting to learn how to navigate this place – like learning how to walk around in a dark room. I’m seeing ALL my shit. It’s like an Awakening all of its own. And I’m neutral-ish in it. Not so hard on myself. Just a general disgust for the necessity of it. Doesn’t mean I’ve stopped all of my shit. Just getting close-up on it.
The fear is fascinating. It’s at the root of everything. It’s HUGE. And beautiful! And not necessary any more. And it feels sad to go. It just wants some love on the way out. It was just doing its job. Fear is gorgeous. And everywhere. And we must usher it to the door. With the honour it deserves. Leaving with love. Goodbye fear.
This is what I figure my “job” IS now – clearing fear. Looking at fear. Once a new form is found, letting that fear go. AA’s Big Book says we are driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking and self-pity. It’s like a “journey” just to stay present with the fear. Without touching it. Without judging it. Without believing it. And the way I stay and deepen my presence with fear is through the breath. I observe my breath and what it’s telling me. And I’ve discovered I am the Master of the Breath. It does my bidding. And it controls everything – when fear isn’t! Breathing BEYOND the body and visualizing an expansion into ALL that IS with each breath really helps me get a nice overview on my shit.
So the arm wrestle, as I see it, is between the thinker and the breather. The chicken and the egg. The me that’s doing and the me that’s watching me do. And the choice to follow the breather is the choice that truly GIVES a choice, as it seems to bring an expansion. Perhaps the mind joins the expansion ever more, as time goes on. Who knows? Perhaps we bring ourselves into the picture ever more deeply with the breath until we’re ready for an expansional “pop” when we all shift gear.
All I know is that I can only do this for me. And you for yourself. And we can share our experiences along the way to save some time perhaps. Who knows? I DO know that I’m not fully in charge here – at least not to MY current awareness. When I’m flying along and a sudden and unexpected event occurs that shifts everything, that I could never ever have orchestrated, I know I’m not in charge here.
On our 12-Chakra Meditation – May 8 – how sweet it is!
Sadie: Just did your meditation with the 12 Chakras again – it was amazing! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH MOM.
On Mother’s Day – May 14 – Full Circle
Sadie: Happy Mother’s Day Mama!!! I love you soooo much. I’m so excited to be home with you so soon. I’ll call you tonight when you’ll be up.
Mama: Thank you, SadieBaby! Best day ever was when I became a mama for you! Love you SO much! Ready to fulfill our destiny together on this planet. Big things coming. Best life ever!!!
Sadie: Aww, thank you, Mom. And thank you for being such an amazing mother. You are truly an outstanding mama! Totally best life ever! So ready for what’s coming!
And so much more….
…what’s amazing to me is how each and every experience Sadie and I have had together and separately is bringing us closer to Love. Love for our selves. Love for each other. Love for all others. Love for this life. Honouring the path. Knowing it isn’t always smooth. Forgiving each other for “humaning” – Sadie’s word. And being kind, as deeply as our passage through this life is allowing us to be, at any given moment.
Namaste Dear Friend.
In Loving Kindness, We Honour Your Life Journey.
Blessings from us and our family to you and yours,
After all, the whole world is a family
Kathie & Paul